As the minutes tick away ...

Hi and welcome - I don't suppose anyone will view this rubbish until next year ... ha ha ha 53 minutes from now [UK time].  POFM#2 is out on the razzle somewhere and good luck to her.  The Dog is spark out on the settee somewhere in 'the lounge'.  The Elder? Sat on her own, downstairs in 'the lounge', steadily drinking from some bottle or another.  Me?  Well I am not on the razzle, nor asleep on the settee and, certainly, not sat drinking with The Elder [or anyone else for that matter].  As usual, especially at this time of year, this disjointed family is scattered - all of us seeing in the new year in our own particular way.  Midnight? I'll be in bed - the same as it has been for the last four years.  Should I feel guilty? Should I feel sad? One of those conditions applies and you know the answer.  I am saddened that we, as a family, are not all together.  This time last year The Elder was seriously ill.  I did everything I could to support her and POFM [#2 & #3] in some mad belief that we would all, subsequently 'muck in'.  Not a chance - 'people do not change'.  Once recovered then everything has returned to 'normal'.  I feel so stupid [and probably looked stupid] for trying. Please don't be critical of me and tell me I should make more effort - honestly, you don't know all of the facts.

I forgot to mention, in yesterday's rubbish, that [not for the first time], I set the electric oven on fire.  Just thought you might want to know that.  Today has been a busy day, honestly!, sorting out annual bills and posting off cheques to various organisations. Dearie dear my bank account is much thinner.  However, last March I had saved sufficient to pay the [then new] mortgage for two years.  The savings have 'fed' the mortgage, as planned, and will continue to do so until early 2009.  What then - well, with a fair degree of pride, I advise that I have saved not £6K as planned [to service the mortgage for, maybe, a further year after spring 2009], but Dear Reader, I have saved three times that [work it out yourself]. So I end 2007 as sad as before, with money in the bank, capital, in the form of my house, tenants that I wished lived elsewhere, in good health, lonely but with my head held high - I have, also, in one way or another, met people - their support / opinions I prize and I look forward to 2008 with a fair degree of hope. 

I wish you all every success and happiness in 2008 [and this, also, applies to my disjointed family]. Feel free to wish me Happy New Year - work and other colleagues aside the only other sincere wishes will come from The Senior.

Goodnight, good luck and God bless.

An apology ...

Hello and greetings on this, the penultimate day of 2007 - roll on 2008 - oh yes indeedy.  The title? I realise that my previous post might annoy certain readers - i.e. 'what might I expect when I refer to ***** my daughter when I refer to her as #3?' Please, look at the bigger picture and, in any case you wouldn't expect me to show her name, now would you?

Otherwise a , slightly, better day.  I made the mistake, a few days ago, of downloading / installing a game called 'Age of Japan II' - I obtained it for free, it's a 'three in a row' game and it's doing my head in!  I am not, normally, a game player [on the PC] but this prog has me hooked. So, quite a lot of time being wasted when I have far more important matters to which I should be attending - ah well, there's always tomorrow for these other matters. Other time wasting activities include downloading / installing the 'BBC I Player' it being a free prog to download, watch again, TV progs that you may have missed over the last few days.  Very useful if you missed a prog and want the opportunity to watch it again.  Interestingly, the [missed] TV prog, once downloaded, may only be viewed a maximum of seven times and, in any case, auto deletes 30 days after it was downloaded.  One work around, if you wish to keep the prog, is to use a screen recording prog e.g. Camtasia or Snagit. I downloaded and watched a prog about Andrea Bocelli [if you don't know then you don't need to know!].  As I watched the prog the tears just flowed. If you are interested have a look on YouTube and search for 'Time to say goodbye' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp0ccQVy1og  Otherwise, the day has been a better day - not dressed until 1130! I made a huge roast beef dinner and my 'Yorkshire's' were a delight to view.  Afterwards it was a case of, slowly, lying down and loosening my trousers - I have only just 'come round'. Hope the weekend has been good for you.

A sad day ...

Dear Daughter [#3]

You went overseas during the autumn.  Despite my wanting to be part of your big plan it wasn't to be and you left without even saying goodbye. Where are you now?  I know which country but what you are doing, how you are getting by and all that sort of stuff?  Well, I am not being told. I have asked your Mother [and sister] but they will not tell.  The 'rule' appears to be that you have not told me and until they have your permission they are not going to tell me either. If I could find your address I might write to you but I remember, only too well, the card I sent you on your last birthday.  I found it, in the kitchen, opened but not removed from the envelope though other cards, from the family / your friends, were 'on display' in the lounge.  I guessed you had opened it to extract the money and that was the exchange over.  I recovered your birthday card and it's in my room - you never asked if anyone had seen it.

I have, frequently, asked your Mother if she has heard from you and [only] when I ask will she tell me she either has / has not heard from you. I wondered if we might hear from you over Christmas but we didn't - that's not strictly true ... I, now, understand that you left your sister an e-mail. We wondered if you might send a Christmas card - I asked your Mother for your address but she refused [see above].  On Christmas Day, which was a shambles, at dinner I proposed a toast for you and prayed that you are safe, in good health and comfortable.  Your Mother and sister did not join me in the prayers.  It was, then, a few quiet thoughts, on my own, when I wished you well. 

Today - a parcel from you!  I watched your Mother open the parcel. How exciting!  Your Mother called your sister to receive her Christmas card and read your letter.  I think she was thrilled with the present and card that you bought her.  Then it was your Mother's turn to open her present / card.  She appeared to be very happy with her gifts and, bless you, you even included a present for The Dog!  Your letter / cards were then placed in your Mother's bag [or wherever] and I was too hurt / too proud to ask to have a look.  In any case no invitation was forthcoming from your Mother.  Am I correct in thinking you provided your sister a number of photographs?  Your sister, like your Mother, looked at the 'post'  and then took it into her room. Alas, as expected, I was not included - no card, present even a mention in your letter - nothing.  I went to my room and wept.

Talking of rooms, your bedroom is exactly as you left it, earlier this year.  It remains a complete tip, inaccessible, the bedding unchanged, curtains remain closed. I so much want to get 'stuck in' but your Mother will not have it promising to 'sort it out' but, as we know, she is incapable of taking on such a big job let alone bagging and disposing. So what am I supposed to do when your 'gap year' is over [in the summer]? Your Mother is, I guess either going to move out [she has just purchased a street map of the area!], so you might all be together or else hoping that you will be able to return as if nothing has happened and 'pick up' where you left off.  How could I allow the latter to occur?  I am saddened to accept that you and I will never again share that daughter/father relationship, and it grieves me more than you might possibly know.

I will always love you, always have concerns for your welfare and always pray that you are provided for.

Your loving,

Dad xxx

Romance? Me? ...?

Greetings. A sad day.  Being 'in The Chair' at 'The Organisation' it is my sad duty, as and when necessary, to attend the funeral of a member that has died [or even their wife, if she died]. Such was today's business.  I was at work this morning and rushed home, to change, before travelling to the place where the funeral was being held.  A good turnout and I think the surviving partner would have felt some comfort - the flowing tears get to me - silly, old, sensitive fool that I am. Back home, a late lunch and then, promptly, falling asleep only to wake up with something warm and hairy in my face - yes The Dog had managed to get on my bed and was asleep, next to me, his head on the pillow and his rear end in my face - bless him. If, gently, you stroke his back [whilst he is in this position], his tail starts to wag [in your face] - you get your kicks your way...

As expected, here in Chez Shithole, a sort of calm has descended until 'the next time'.  My Mother, up t'north, is livid.  She sees The Elder remaining at my house as long as I am stupid enough to let the situation continue and, [from her point of view], worse if and when she leaves this earth she is concerned that any money that she might leave me will end up, indirectly, being 'enjoyed' by The Elder.  Incidentally apart from myself [and The Dog], no one in the family sent my Mother a Christmas card or present.  This has been going on for a few years.  My Mother used to, nevertheless, send cards / presents but when she never even got so much as a 'thank you' [from the others], well, she simply stopped her sending.  Problem comes when my Mother has brooded on the subject, becomes depressed and 'sounds off' at me.  I have learned to de-escalate the situation.

How exciting! A [very nice, 'respectable'] friend of The Elder is seeking my advice to sort out problems with her computer.  There is, of course, nothing in it but it's nice to be made to feel that you are useful to someone.  Did I mention that I had signed up for a new contract with my mobile 'phone company?  Two weeks since the account / billing period started and I have 000's of free minutes left.  Next month it resets to 000's - I am running out of people to 'phone!  I use Skype for international calls - it's free [software / usage] to call other Skype users.

The weekend approaches and I have a lot to do before returning to work next [mid] week. I have learned that #3 has made contact, with #2, via e-mail.  I understand she is in North America doing - who knows? At least she appears to be well.  The Elder has returned to her daily work and, silly bollocks that I am, I have a hot meal waiting for her when she returns.  I will be glad when all this is over.

Enough whining- enjoy the weekend.

Christmas Day Mark II ...

[That's Mark #2, by the way].

First the good news, without putting too fine a point on it, everyone is 'firm' - I was most uneasy that the partially cooked turkey, see yesterday, might have caused abdominal disorder but, no, we appear to have 'got away with it'.

Otherwise - greetings - thank goodness the break is almost over.  Back to work tomorrow. The Elder is not talking - OK, that's not strictly true - she wasn't talking when she initially staggered out of her bed [1120] until about 1300, or so, when she brought to me [I was in my retreat] tea and something that she had cooked.  Mmmmm ... 'cooked' ... what I mean is she had cut me a slice of cake and brought it to me.  She didn't refer to yesterday, and neither did I, other than to ask what we [we?] were having for dinner?  I asked if she would prepare and cook the vegetables to which she agreed. She left the kitchen [vegetables cooked and ready] and I made the Christmas dinner - very nice it was too - no paper hats, no alcohol / wine but, at least, we sat at the table - second time this year.  Apart from yesterday the previous occurrence was Christmas 2006.  I so wanted to say let's forget about what happened yesterday but I didn't and, equally, The Elder didn't offer any apologies.  That's the routine - much like any other 'normal' relationship - fall out and then make up but, Dear Reader, the make up bit, that might, in 'ordinary relationships', be an opportunity to show a degree of affection to each other, doesn't apply here at Chez Shithole.  That reminds me I must get round to listing the definitions that apply to various terms that I use  'Old sweats' will already be aware.

Activity today? Haircut [haircut?, Boxing Day??]. Oh yes - after the shower and with hair drying, it was out with the trusted Remington and a DIY number 18 [3/4"] all round  I have certainly got the hang / technique of it.  I bought the hair clipper a couple of years ago, when I had moved away [to divorce] and resented the cost, where I was living, of a simple hair cut.  It was off to Curry's, money changed hands and I returned to my dingy flat raring to go.  On completion I looked a different person! Not necessarily how I wanted to look but different - oh yes. Anyway the DIY job saves about £100 per year and this saving pays for the tax on the car - see- method in my madness.

The subject is not me [or The Elder] [see following YouTube video] - it really is that easy - I especially like the vacuum cleaner bit.

The gypsy in me ...

Hi again - whoa... three times in one day....

I have transferred out of Wordpress - don't get me wrong - it's good but I think Blogger is easier to use [and in any case I am used to it].  The previous post is simply copied / pasted across so the headings might be a bit irregular - just go with it [please].  Future post will have the correct headings etc.

So what happened after the dinner fiasco?  Nothing.  #2 went in to and stayed in her [locked] room for the rest of the day and myself, I, as so often, retreated to my room from where, since about 1800, I have kept my own company - nice way to spend Christmas. I wonder, tomorrow [after today's partly cooked turkey has been digested] will we be suffering the 'Bengal Blasters'? Only time will tell [just thought you might have wanted to know that].

Background to a death ...

OK, forgive the morbid title… The [annual] Christmas Dinner debacle has run its course.  If there’s one thing that I am able, modestly but proudly, able to state then it is that I am able to cook.  The Elder indicated that she wanted to prepare the dinner and so, with a smile on the outside, [a deep feeling of worry on the inside] and my pleasant offer to help being declined, I left her to it.  Eventually, several hours later, I detected the [annual] rise in tension affecting #2, The Dog and myself.  It was, as I was quickly informed, ‘all going wrong’.  I offered to help and received a blunt rejection. OK, I thought, sit back and wait.  I was, eventually, summoned to ‘carve the bird’.  The ‘bird’ was carried into the dining room [specially cleaned of crap to enable the table to be accessed [seen]] and used.  When carving poultry I, usually, remove the breast as a whole.  The breast is then sliced across [the breast].  Easy. Alarm bells started to ring when the blood poured out of the breast.  What to do?  Bravely I carried the remainder of the bird back in to the kitchen where high quality ranting was in full flow.  The Elder, quickly, saw the blood and this led to the quality / volume / and, you name it, rising. 

By now #2 was involved, preparing the table and setting out the [cold] plates.  I couldn’t help but notice her tears and she didn’t recoil when I gave her a quick hug and smile, [I had already heard her requesting, unsuccessfully, her Mother to ’stop bitching’].  The meal, including bloody turkey breast, was served though not before I had used the microwave to heat the meat to at least raise its temperature to something above 65′C.  The meal was started in total silence.  I paused and asked all to remember (#3), wherever she is.  The Elder retorted ‘Why should we? She hasn’t contacted me, I don’t know where she is’. I drank a toast, on my own. The silence descended, again. 

The Elder then went off on a different track and started to, loudly, criticise her own cooking - cold this, uncooked that, blah, blah & blah.  Fearing I might ‘lose it’ and throw the lot, including The Elder, into the garden, I asked to be excused and left the table.  I was called, a couple of minutes later, to see The Elder, in the kitchen, washing the dishes.  #2 was, with her dinner, now in her [locked] bedroom.  The table had been cleared, less the remains of my dinner, at which I collected up my dinner and retired to my bedroom.

Back downstairs, 10 minutes later, and The Elder begins ranting, again, as last year [and the years before] about what a crap meal it had turned out to be.  I asked if there was anything that she might want me to do? ‘What can you do?’

So, Dear Reader, as homeowner, I have, as usual, with the wife / ex wife / tenant ‘enjoyed’ the usual Christmas ‘celebrations’.  I wouldn’t wish the same on anyone else.

Why ‘glorify’ this?  I haven’t.  The blog is part diary and the contents of the blog are events that have occurred today, similar to most every other day, but you already knew it would be - didn’t you? [I did.]

 Festive Fun

Posted December 25, 2007

Welcome back and seasons’ greetings.  A bit more about the last two years - I still have my dog - he’s now old, grey and very deaf [a bit like me maybe].  I do worry about him - he looks elderly, he has heart problems and falls asleep at a moment’s notice. The Elder was seriously ill with ‘ womens’ problems ‘ involving surgery and a great deal of worry - bring me the person that doesn’t offer a degree of humanity in these situations.  POFM #2 & #3?  #2 remains here at this, my, property [’Chez Shithole’].  She has a low paid office job and occupies the house in much the same way as before. #3?  She graduated from university and ‘if she doesn’t come back then I will not sell you my share of the house’ she returned after graduating and made my life hell.  She has now taken a ‘gap year’ and is, so I am led to believe, ‘working somewhere overseas - USA? Canada?’  I know not.  She doesn’t communicate and her room is the same shithole that it has always been.  The Elder claims that she, The Elder, is not able to dispose of anything and, consequently, the house remains a dump.  Yeah, I know, I should throw her etc out but it’s not that simple.  For a start I agreed that she could continue to occupy the house until the spring, next year. After then? Watch this space…

So, now, you are up to date - ish.  To her credit The Elder has desperately tried to make Christmas, so far, a success.  Incredibly, yesterday evening, she vacuumed the downstairs though not until after she had worked out how to assemble / use the vacuum cleaner.  Last night [2315] I left her wrapping presents and, to be honest, felt quite sad.  Sometimes, briefly, you wish it hadn’t got to this stage and that we were still friends.  It’s lonely waking up on your own and even watching TV makes you feel sad when, you know they are actors, affection and tenderness are expressed - none of that here.  Imagine, if you will, living in a hotel - that’s what it’s like here.

Do you like the new template? I am still struggling with the design - ‘Categories’?, ‘Meta’? and so on - it’s all a mystery to me.  I have, though, managed to work out how to add a new page and, the first pages tell you about the blog and, subsequently, provides a list of definitions.  I am not sure how to add pictures - at this stage.

Righty-oh I had better get downstairs [been up since 0600 - the woman across the road gets up early and leaves her car engine running [to warm the car] whilst the radio is playing - I suppose it could be worse and occur every day [which it doesn’t]]. #2 is still in bed - to be honest she tries so hard to make life, here, ‘normal’ - well she used to - now she just stops in her room - uses the cooker in the kitchen, food on a tray, in to her room, shuts the door and click goes the lock.  Trying to speak to her necessitates [herself and speaker] having to shout through the door - not me though.  I knock on the door and she either appears or [invariably] not.

Finally, after Christmas I have to provide The Elder a schedule of where we go from here - we can expect fireworks at that time.

 SEH Returns

Posted on December 24, 2007

Welcome back to more of the same.  I guess you might, by now, have read the ‘About’ and brought yourself up to date?  I am still working on the construction of the blog and, with respect to various definitions, you might have to rack your memory / wait till I add the info.

The really good news is that The Elder is several steps away from leaving my property.  I have a, crippling, mortgage that is paid up until early 2009. After then I could, if I wish, continue to occupy the property paying, what will be a revised mortgage, with savings and contributions from The Elder.  Presently The Elder pays a limited amount of ‘rent’ and buys the various groceries.  We continue, as before [through most of our married life], living largely separate lifestyles.  Anyway that’s enough for the moment on the past.

I wanted to post today because it’s, get this, 33 years since I met a woman who was, eventually, to become The Ex #1.

3 3  Y E A R S

Last night she figured in my disturbed dreams.  In the dream I drove, with the car that I presently own, to the house where she, Ex #1, was brought up [I know her Mother has passed away and I feel for Ex #1 / share her sorrow].  I drove to her house and was surprised to see the garden hedges, around the house, had been removed and a crowd of people were gathered there - looking at the house. Then, there she was - pushing a baby ‘buggy’ containing [baby] twins.  She didn’t see me.  However, her brother walked past me and I spoke his name - he looked at me and I put out my hand [to shake his]. He looked me up and down and walked away. I asked the watching ‘crowd’ what was happening ad I learned that #1’s Father had just passed away. At this the brother approached me, recognised me and, briefly, shook hands before walking away again.  I approached Ex #1 and … there were no hugs etc just a cordial ‘hello’, ‘how are you?’ [that sort of thing]. We walked to my car and then I woke up.

Here’s some great music…. a few of the words make me sad …

‘… you took my dreams from me, when I first found you…’

More later.